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  1. jan_aq
    jan_aq December 16, 2004 at 7:50 am |

    Jan comes in, rolls up her sleeves, changes the ambient music playing and sets down to read. 🙂

    (WHOOOO!!! What an awesome first half to the chapter!! WOW! This is so elaborate, I love how Lily explained how Harry survived the killing curse- that was so cool! Wow.)

    You probably know about these or are planning on proof reading again but I’ll just list some stuff that stood out to me to help you out.

    “none-stop” should be “non-stop”
    “It circled his head a couple of times, to draw his attention” take out the comma.
    “So he performed several identifying spells on the letter” take off the “so”.

    This paragraph: ““Please Lily, don’t do this to me. Not after fifteen years, not when you’re gone!” he almost begged closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He had loved her more than his life once he got to know her; he still did even after so many years since she was killed. But she belonged to that bastard Potter, and because of that damned clause he couldn’t do anything but be her friend, be there when she needed him; use all his knowledge to sneak into her house after Potter’s rages to heal her.”
    doesn’t work. Too sappy. Would Snape talk out loud?

    “Harry is your son Severus, not James” needs to be James’

    “or that he went to Lily to help her” pronoun confussion- I thoughht that James had gone to Lily for help before I realized that it had been Severus.

    “protect you and our baby from James wrath” James’

    “detected and that would last long” sounds weird. Last for a long time?

    “lifted a finger to protect Duncan before that… that man started drinking” that THAT man started drinking?

    “His resistance will draw the attention of those that are undecided” attention of those WHO are undecided

    Basically what I think is off is that Snape is acting too calm himself. Hard to explain- he seems to be reading and thinking it through and speaking his questions out loud. I think you need more shock ringing through him and maybe outrage.. strong emotions maybe or say that he was all numb/mostly numb.

    This part where Lily talked about her sister and Vernon abusing and neglecting Harry seems to be too clam and forgiving.

    “I know (I saw it in a vision as I did everything else), that you believe our son to have been spoiled and pampered, much like James was. Let me disabuse you of that notion Severus. Petunia and I were not in good terms, though I still love and have forgiven my sister. She, at the time, was unable to see beyond her jealousy; Harry represented what she was missing, magic. She took it out on him, and her husband did the same. Our son was verbally and emotionally abused by them, he was also occasionally beaten for no reason.

    Life wasn’t easy for him Sev. Vernon -my sister’s husband- hates magic and magical people as much as the inquisitors did long ago. Petunia was jealous of my magic and believed my parents would love her less, first because she was adopted, and second because she did not have magic. I am happy that she has finally seen the error of her ways. She now wants to make it up to Duncan, it might take some time but they will become a family. Our son needs it Sev; he needs all the love he can get if he is to survive the fight against Voldemort.”

    You should make her sound sadder, angry, maybe hurt but also have her plead with Severus to give Petunia a second chance because she knows that Petunia is sorry and really wants it and won’t hurt Harry like that again. Just a suggestion. 🙂

    Loved it so far! 🙂

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